Jokes

The Sweetness of Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP

Work vs. Prison
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON

@ WORK

You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell

you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

You get three meals a day fully paid for

you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

You get time off for good behavior

you get more work for good behavior

The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

You can watch TV and play games

you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

You get your own toilet

you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

They allow your family and friends to visit

you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required

you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out

you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

You must deal with sadistic wardens

they are called managers

You can talk about Jesus, and even participate in Bible Studies

you'd better not talk about Jesus or bring a Bible if you want to keep your job!

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

GRANDPA AND GRANDSON AN OLD MAN WAS GROCERY SHOPPING WITH HIS GRANDSON.
THE TODDLER WAS CRYING AND AT TIMES SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.

AS THE OLD GENTLEMAN WALKED UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PEOPLE COULD HEAR
HIM SPEAKING IN A SOFT VOICE...

"WE ARE ALMOST DONE, ALBERT...
TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT...
LIFE WILL GET BETTER, ALBERT..."

AS HE APPROACHED THE CHECKOUT STAND, HE CAREFULLY BRUSHED THE TODDLER'S
TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAID AGAIN,

"TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT...
WE WILL BE HOME SOON, ALBERT..." AS HE WAS PAYING THE CASHIER, THE
TODDLER CONTINUED TO CRY AS A YOUNG
WOMAN IN LINE BEHIND HIM SAID, "SIR, I THINK IT IS WONDERFUL HOW SWEET YOU ARE
BEING TO YOUR LITTLE ALBERT."

THE OLD GENTLEMAN BLINKED HIS EYES A COUPLE OF TIMES BEFORE SAYING,

"MY GRANDSON'S NAME IS JOHN........ I'M ALBERT!

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
 
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
 
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.  "On a trip to the  
Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were  
threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but  
they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most heavily  
tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over,  
ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now,  
back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
 
St. Peter was
 impressed.  "When did this happen?"
 
"Couple of minutes ago."

I remember reading another story about reaching heaven.

This man arrives before Saint Peter all banged up and when asked to explain, tells the following story:

He arrived at his penthouse apartment early in the afternoon because he suspected his wife was cheating
on him. As he burst in the door he only found man's clothing in the bedroom but no man to fill them. He searched the entire apartment and after half an hour found nothing. His wife was sobbing in the bathroom.

He went out to the patio and looked around thinking he might be hanging off the side of the building. He accidently fell over the edge, but managed to grab hold of the electric cord to the refrigerator. As he started to pull himself back up, the refrigerator flew over the edge toward him and followed him all the way down. He died instantly when he hit the ground.

St. Peter motioned him in.

Just after, a young man arrives at the gates with no clothes on and shivering. Curiously, St. Peter asks
for his story: "I was hiding in a refrigerator when it fell off the 25th floor....."

***********************************************************************************

"True" Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems

that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of

true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this email-
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against "The Sorry Bastard" who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is

choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
Again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.

"Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
Then get depressed because you can only think
of 4.

Subject: Mexican Weddings Vs White Weddings

WHITES: mail invitations.
MEXICANS: send out maps.

WHITES: receive their invitations 3 months in advance.
MEXICANS: receive their invitation 1 week before.

WHITES: have seven Bridesmaids..
MEXICANS: have lots of Padrinos.

WHITES: RSVP their invitation.
MEXICANS: show up with three car loads.

WHITES: go to the wedding AND the reception.
MEXICANS: just go to the fiesta.

WHITES: have elegant food.
MEXICANS: have arroz, frijoles and carne guisada.

WHITES: order the cake from a bakery.
MEXICANS: have their cake done by la señora down the street.

WHITES: eat the food and cake.
MEXICANS: eat the food and cake.......... AND take some home para mañana.

WHITES: at the reception, they drink wine
MEXICANS: at the reception, they drink Budweiser. Bud Light , Corona ,
Tecate, Pacifico, Casadores, Patron, Presidente, Jose Cuervo Gusano's,
Reposado, Corralejo, Bucanan, etc........

WHITES: relatives get drunk and pass out.
MEXICANS: get drunk, shed a few tears and start singing to Chente Fernandez
songs, fight.............then pass out.

WHITES: dance at the party...................YEAH RIGHT!!!
MEXICANS: dance at the party to Norteñas, Rancheras, Cumbias, Huapangos, Reggaeton,

Rap, Old School, Oldies, House, etc............... (Hey, what happened to C&W--Cotton-Eyed Joe,

Wasted Days, etc.)

WHITES: party ends at midnight.
MEXICANS: party ends when the COPS show up. lol

WHITES: wake up the next morning NOT WANTING another beer.
MEXICANS: wake up the next morning WANTING another beer for la cruda, and
end up getting drunk again..

Now, you know you were laughing - cuz you've done at least 6 of these.
I'm sure you have!!!

Send this to all of those who have a sense of humor or are Proud to be
true to the culture MEXICAN!!!

CHRISTIAN WAYS TO REDUCE STRESS

An Angel says, "Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice."

1. Pray

2. Go to bed on time.

3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.

4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.

5. Delegate tasks to capable others. (I like this one. AM)

6. Simplify and unclutter your life.

7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)

8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.

9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time;

don't lump the hard things all together.

10. Take one day at a time.

11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.

12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.

13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.

14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.

15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.

16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.

17. Get enough rest.

18. Eat right.

19. Get organized so everything has its place.

20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.

21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.

22. Every day, find time to be alone.

23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.

24. Make friends with Godly people.

25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.

26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good

"Thank you Jesus."

27. Laugh.

28. Laugh some more!

29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.

30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).

31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most.

32. Sit on your ego.

33. Talk less; listen more.

34. Slow down.

35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.

36 . Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

WHAT IS A BILLION?

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the "politicians" spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

F. If you took $1.00 bills and put them end to end you could go to the moon and back (4) four times.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division . .

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.

B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D.C .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??

***************************************************************

After reading this I had a question about whether it was right because I think our government is spending at a faster rate...The 8 hours for a billion dollars only looks like a trillion a year and I know we are way above that. I found a website with these comments on the above article.

I disagree with a billion seconds ago. If there are approx 31,556,926 seconds in a year, then I calculate a billion seconds ago to be in 1974. I have tried it several times and can not reach 1959. Can you check again and tell me what I may be doing wrong?

Posted by: Thomas Moschner | Sep 27, 2006 7:24:34 AM

Thomas, my calculation comes out the same as yours. .....
To get my hands around that number I tried thinking about time instead of dollars.....

I had to work this through for myself. So bear with me. Here goes:

• If we multiply 24 hours/day by 60 minutes/hour and again by 60 seconds/ minute, we come up with 86,400 seconds in a single day.
• Now, multiply 86,400 by 365 days/year and you should come up with 31,536,000 seconds in a single year. With me so far?
• Now, let’s divide one billion by 31,536,000. I don’t know about you, but I come up with 31.7.
• Last, subtract 31.7 from 2007 and you are left with 1975.

In other words, if I did this right, a billion seconds subtracted from our lives would take us all the way back to 1975. Put a little differently, a billion seconds is more than half my life. For most of the students I teach, a billion seconds is 50 percent more than their entire lives to date.

Now, let’s get back to dollars. Assume the Congress gives the Administration the entire $2.9 trillion requested for the government’s next fiscal year, beginning October 1, 2007. Here we go again:
• Takes 24 hours/day and multiply by 365 days and you should come up with 8,760 hours for the year.
• $2.9 trillion equals $2,900 billion, right?
• Okay, then, divide 8,760 hours by 2900 and you will get approximately three.

If I’ve got this one right, too, then Uncle Sam will be spending a billion bucks every three hours on average, if he gets every clam he’s requested.

Posted by: Dr. James Ottavio Castagnera | Feb 10, 2007 9:15:08 AM

**********************************************************************

This makes it really Scary. Makes Bill Clinton look good in ending deficit spending

during his administration. And then we elected Bubba who spent more and raised less, causing astronomical losses and humongous deficits.

And then I reconsidered the original article and think it might be correct, but dated. If it were made in 1990, the seconds would be right and maybe even the federal budget. Just shows how much has changed in such a short time.

A Man's No. 1 Rule

Jokesters:

Who would think that men could sum up their views into one rule? Well, they dun done it but
good. There was a tie and all the rules are number 1--each man voted for his own rule.

Read and learn...

********************************************************************************

We have heard "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules:

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
JUST SAY IT!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done

Not both
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,

but it is just not worth the hassle

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. You have enough clothes

1. You have too many shoes

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really

don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

**********************************************************************************************

Drafthouse Amber from Independence Brewing

Alamo Drafthouse Amber Ale

Deep amber in color